Musings
by America is Awesome
Summary: A peek inside L and Light's minds as they reflect upon the way they've come to view life. Very short with less than subtle hinting at double one-sided love. That being said: Slight boyxboy (no action whatsoever). Don't like boyxboy? Then pretend it's just friendship. I've marked "hurt/comfort" because that's the closest to what I think is going on, minus the comfort. [TWOSHOT]
1. L's Musings

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It's the first day of summer. Trapped in the confines of this tall building, it's impossible to tell. I did this to myself really.

I think.

I don't remember when I became a detective and I couldn't tell you if it was even my own choice.

It probably wasn't.

Anyway, I've been molded strategically—I don't know by whom—to have a strong sense of justice and duty. I must protect everyone, good and bad, because that is what is right. It is a blind justice.

But I am not blind.

So I cannot be justice.

I know all this, yet I still act the way I do. And I am weird. I could no longer even blend into society if I wanted to. I wonder if this was created for me as well, so that I couldn't escape myself and what they wanted me to become. I apologize, because I can't even tell you who this "they" is.

I've been told that I am a genius. Maybe I am. I don't know.

I don't think I am.

I don't even know who I really am. How could I be a genius if all I know is how to solve crimes from which I remain entirely detached?

Looking at the beauty that I have chained myself to, for the sake of solving the strangest case yet, it has become so clear that I am not fit to be classified the way I have been. Why?

He's beautiful. He is funny and intelligent; he gets along with everyone. And even though he literally is chained to the likes of me, he still has made friends and he still shines.

I said before: I am not blind.

I have never attached myself to the crimes I solve, but I have literally attached myself to this new one.

I am not justice. I am a pretense.

Why am I even doing this? Why do I save people that would never give me a chance or would look at me with distaste? Everyone loves "L" because they do not understand that L is a human, just like them.

But then, I guess I am not just like them. But I do have emotions. I do have feelings.

I can't blame them too much for not realizing this, since I myself did not realize it until recently.

Discovering my own emotions wasn't until after I got involved in the Kira case, after I chained myself to the criminal, and after I found myself in love with the criminal.

I understand now why "they" have shaped me to lack emotions and to be the oil in water: it is so that I would be detached and essentially blind to others.

Though the plan succeeded for 25 years, "they" have just failed. Why?

Because I love.

Because I see.

So now that I am not justice, what will "they" do?

"They" will make someone else "me."

But that brings me to my next question, what will I become? Or will I not be allowed to become anything?

Was a designed to lose what I've only just found?

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**I think he's 25 . . . **

**This story is a bit different from how I usually roll, but it just came to me when I attempted to write something else. Lo que pasó, pasó. **

**Next chapter is Light's almost identical musings. **

**~Aia~**

**p.s. if you're wondering about Nightmares update, I'll get that as soon as I get my lap top back (too much porn = too many viruses) **


	2. Light's Musings

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It's the first day of summer. Trapped in the confines of this tall building, it's impossible to tell. I did this to myself really.

I think.

I don't remember and I couldn't tell you if it was even my own choice.

It probably was.

I had been molded strategically—maybe accidentally—to have a strong sense of justice and duty. I must be accepted by everyone, because there is no other option. It is an irrefutable expectation.

But I am not a design.

So I am not perfection.

I know all this, yet I still act the way I do. And I am weird. I blend into society perfectly, even when I don't want to. I wonder if this was created for me as well, so that I couldn't escape myself and what they wanted me to become. I apologize, because I can't even tell you who all the many "they" is.

I've been told I'm a genius. Maybe I am. I used to think so.

Now I don't think I am.

I don't even know who I really am. How could I be a genius if I excel in a world from which I wish to remain entirely detached?

Looking at the oddity I have been chained to, for the sake of proving my normalcy—my false normalcy—it has become so clear that I am not fit to be classified the way I have been. Why?

He's beautiful. He is funny and intelligent; yet he gets along with almost no one. And even though he is literally chained to the likes of me, he still refuses to conform and he still stays himself.

I said before: I am not a design.

I have never wished to be attached to the people in this world, but I have literally allowed myself to be attached to this new one.

I am not perfection. I am a façade.

Why am I even doing this? Why do I strive for acceptance from those who would never give me a chance or look at me with distaste if I simply did not look the way that I do? Everyone loves "Light" because they do not understand that Light is human, just like them.

But then, I guess I am not just like them. But I do have emotions. I do have feelings.

I can't blame them too much for not realizing this, since I myself did not realize it until recently.

Discovering my true emotions wasn't until after I got involved in the Kira case, after I was chained to the mastermind detective, and after I found myself in love with that detective.

I understand now why they—myself originally included—have shaped me to lack true emotions and to be the shiniest star: it is so that I would be detached and essentially blind to others.

Though the plan succeeded for 19 years, they have just failed. Why?

Because I love.

Because I am human.

So now that I am not perfection, what will they—myself included—do?

They will have to reject their design and discard their plan.

But that brings me to my next question, what will I become? Or will I even know how to become anything else?

Was I designed to lose what I've only just found?

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** I think he's 19 . . . **

** Aaaand that's what I've written. **

** If you like the way this story has gone, feel free to take it by the horns and man handle it into your own. I only ask that you reference me and tell me, so that I can read it too. I might eventually turn this into an actual story, romantic or otherwise, but it's not on the to-do list. **

** As a side note, it's a beautiful day outside. **

**~Aia~**


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